Pathetic

okay, seriously, I made this goal to write more last year. Looks like I'm pretty pathetic and failed at it. Oops. Okay, new year, try again. I should be cleancing my house right now. well, I'm not. After that last post, we found out we were pregnant with #4! We were so shocked because we both really felt done and settled in our life. But she's here and she's beautiful and we can't imagine life without her. She was always meant to be. Our beautifuly Adelynn. Seriously though, the spelling, I may have to change it because i keep wanting to write addelyn. dilemas. Her name is a whole other story. get to that later. So much has happened this last year that its too hard to document and so I'm gonna try to just start fresh and hopefully moments or feelings from last year will trickle in here and there. My sweet baby is asleep so I'm gonna get something done real quick to keep this house in order. laundry it never ends. so i'll be back later

Dear Void

Hello 2013. It's been a long while since I had said hello to this blog. Mostly  because life is too busy to sit and post pictures and write all the time but it's definitely been something I've been missing. I've been an avid journal writer my whole life, thanks to my grandma's example. :) And I'm sad to say, I haven't written in a long time. My journal entries have been reduced to notes on my iphone about spiritual insights I've had throughout the week. Well, I want to reenter the blogging world and not for any recognition and in hopes that my words just go out into the deep void and perhaps no one will ever read them. That's what I'm hoping and so I'm going completely private. I really don't think anyone ever read or reads my blog anyways, so it won't be a big deal. Truth be told, I'm doing it for me not for you. sorry. my pictures will all be found on facebook unless i change my mind. I have also been struggling with how to document my kid's lives. I printed like 300 pictures to put in books but now I'm wondering if i should just do books. oh boy. what to do. It's bad enough that I have 3 kids and have nothing done!!! my poor children. So, this is my attempt to document my life and one of my goals this year is to document theirs and figure out a system that works for me. I can't donate a lot of my time to anything at this point. I work part time and try to run a household and some women are super and can do it all but really, i'm just trying to survive. We are starting out again in a new house and a new ward and new neighbors but the place is familiar as it is in Arizona. I feel like i can't really get my feet on the ground and begin to have organization. I'm working on it. Other thoughts I've had include trying to channel my thoughts about raising kids and capturing the moments that are happy. life is hard and my grandpa said, you just have to find that one moment every day that brings joy. He died last week. It wasn't sudden but it was still hard. It's weird knowing he's not here but his funeral was so full of his life and legacy and i loved it. He was an amazing man. I was thinking about his generation and how it's passing away. How important it is to pass on their legacy and their values of hard work and what it was like to live a simple life and to enjoy the beauties of the day or to go on an adventure or to take a risk. He said, do something even if it's wrong. He knew how important it was to work and to be doing something being active and asserting yourself in some way shape or form. faith preceeds the miracle. I wonder what my funeral will be like. What legacy am i living. I know life is too short not to enjoy it. i think life has gotten in the way sometimes of me realizing the gifts but it's coming back. even now, i'd like to write more but I need to start dinner. Thanks void for being there. until later.

A New Blog

I know I'm crazy especially because I haven't blogged on my own site for a while but I started a new blog for my Primary Chorister calling. You can check it out here http://anotherprimarychorister.blogspot.com/ . So update on our family and hopefully some pictues soon!!!!

What We Need

So, I guess it's been forever since I've blogged because it's all this new layout and I'm completely unaware of how to navigate it yet. But, I figured I'd write since I can't sleep with this extreme lightning and loud thunderstorm. Oh, and not to mention water dripping into three different bowls as our roof leaks. I'm SO glad we are getting out of this place. So the big news now is HEATH GOT A JOB! I know most of you my close friends and family know but I though I should publish it. It's been a crazy road. More than I ever imagined and I know the adventures are just starting, but we are finally here. Heath had another job potential in Mesa, AZ that we really thought he would get. He didn't. So, I postponed making any plans and was still living in limbo while he started his new job in Colorado Springs. He is on a business trip right now for this job. Fun huh? Not so much for me but he's having a great experience. I've been surviving too. It hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. Yes, by nighttime I'm exhausted but I'm alive and kicking. He doesn't come home till Friday and I'm counting down the hours. This weekend we are having a garage sale and just pack pack packing. I probably made a mistake having a garage sale this close to moving but oh well! We have applications in for two homes in the Springs and have been approved but I have to go see the second home tomorrow morning to make sure it's what we really want. This experience has also been really good for Heath and I. We have been relying on the Lord so much more and really strengthening and looking for ways to stretch our testimony and see His will. We are so grateful for this job and so lucky to have anything right now....especially in his career. He is working as a Planner for a design firm. I'm so proud of him! He's such an amazing father and man and friend. I think our lot in life is to struggle financially...so far the first 9 years but I'm hoping that will eventually fade. I know, I have so many pictures to catch up on.....

Jace's kindergarten graduation concert, 6th Birthday, Camping with friends, 4th of July, Summer Outings...etc. I'll get there, I promise.

I think the storm has passed and I need some shut eye to face the day tomorrow.

I will tell you one thing. I can feel the love and prayers of friends and family daily. They lift me hourly and the Lord grants me more patient with my sweet children. I need that always! The boys are such a handful but they are my little helpers and they couldn't love their little Mazie girl any more. She IS LOVED!!! And while, things didn't work out the way we all fasted and prayed for by getting the job in Mesa, I know the Lord has blessed us with what we need right now instead of what we want.

I get it.

I've debated on whether I should write this down in my personal journal or on my blog. And well, I decided on my blog in the hopes that someone else will read it and they too will get it......

For the last couple months, I've been struggling with our situation. Heath's been done with grad school since December and we've been looking for jobs since last summer. He's had this filler job, which I am grateful for, however, it takes him away nearly all day from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. at night with some breaks in between.So, not only was I doing everything on my own while Heath was in night school these last 3 years, but now once again, I'm doing everything again. We've been so frustrated and angry with Heath's job search. We apply, don't get interviews, don't even hear anything sometimes, try to make connections with family, friends, ward members, lds employment services, etc. you name it, we've done it.

Nearly every Friday, Heath and I both feel dead again inside like nothing has changed, another week goes by with no promise, another week ahead of this dead-end job, tiny little condo, exhausting responsibilities. And really, I know it could be worse and there are worse trials to endure. But, for now, this is my trial.

I've been frustrated with the Lord and depressed with our life. Why can't things change? Why can't we find a job, Why will no one hire Heath?  Why did we invest so much time and MONEY into graduate school only to be denied from every job? And the worst feeling is Why are we doing everything we are supposed to do..go to church, pay our tithing, fast and pray, choose the right, living and sharing the gospel, all of it...if we aren't getting the blessings?

And then everything changed for me last week....

I'm sure it was the timing of it all, and I've had moments of clarity through this trial but nothing like this yet. Last weekend, Heath and I got a babysitter and went to the adult session of stake conference. It was a great night because one talk hit me especially hard. The speaker spoke about trials and blessings. She said this one line, "During our trial, we do receive blessings....it may not be immediate employment or a family or what our heart desires, but we receive immediate blessings through our Heavenly Father as assistance, guidance and peace." She continued to talk about faith. I know you've heard it all before. Have faith, the Lord has a plan, It's all in his timing and his way.....etc. but then she talked about the faith during the trial. And suddenly I got it.

Heath and I exercised our faith in Heavenly Father that we would get a job. But, we don't have a job and now we have to have faith DURING the trial. That is the trial...to have faith when you don't see the blessing in front of you. Just like it says, "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." No witness, that means you can not see the blessings until your faith has truly been tried. And during that trial, if you do exercise faith in the Lord, you allow Him to bless you with assistance, guidance, and peace.

I also realized I've been like Laman and Lemuel. I've been reading that part with the boys and I realized I was just like them. Going through the motions, doing what I was "suppossed" to do but complaining all the while. So, I vowed to be only positive this week and be happy and it worked.

After that night, I can tell you that i have no anger, frustration, confusion or bitterness toward the Lord. In fact, I feel at peace. It's the only way I can describe it. Heavenly Father has somehow removed this burden from my back and has replaced it with a knowledge that He knows who I am, what our family needs, and that it's in his hands.

The trial has not gone away and nothing has changed...except my perspective. I'm so grateful for this change of heart. It also came at the exact moment I needed it because the next day, Heath got another letter of regret for a job he wanted in Mesa. He was devastated and I was devastated for him. However, I was able to be strong and faithful and hopeful for the both of us.

I get it. I hope I don't forget it but I know I'll have to learn this over and over again. I know the right job is coming but not sure when and I do know for sure that the Lord is aware of us.

Good Times in AZ and more...

Some More Pics... I just adore you!!!