I've debated on whether I should write this down in my personal journal or on my blog. And well, I decided on my blog in the hopes that someone else will read it and they too will get it......
For the last couple months, I've been struggling with our situation. Heath's been done with grad school since December and we've been looking for jobs since last summer. He's had this filler job, which I am grateful for, however, it takes him away nearly all day from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. at night with some breaks in between.So, not only was I doing everything on my own while Heath was in night school these last 3 years, but now once again, I'm doing everything again. We've been so frustrated and angry with Heath's job search. We apply, don't get interviews, don't even hear anything sometimes, try to make connections with family, friends, ward members, lds employment services, etc. you name it, we've done it.
Nearly every Friday, Heath and I both feel dead again inside like nothing has changed, another week goes by with no promise, another week ahead of this dead-end job, tiny little condo, exhausting responsibilities. And really, I know it could be worse and there are worse trials to endure. But, for now, this is my trial.
I've been frustrated with the Lord and depressed with our life. Why can't things change? Why can't we find a job, Why will no one hire Heath? Why did we invest so much time and MONEY into graduate school only to be denied from every job? And the worst feeling is Why are we doing everything we are supposed to do..go to church, pay our tithing, fast and pray, choose the right, living and sharing the gospel, all of it...if we aren't getting the blessings?
And then everything changed for me last week....
I'm sure it was the timing of it all, and I've had moments of clarity through this trial but nothing like this yet. Last weekend, Heath and I got a babysitter and went to the adult session of stake conference. It was a great night because one talk hit me especially hard. The speaker spoke about trials and blessings. She said this one line, "During our trial, we do receive blessings....it may not be immediate employment or a family or what our heart desires, but we receive immediate blessings through our Heavenly Father as assistance, guidance and peace." She continued to talk about faith. I know you've heard it all before. Have faith, the Lord has a plan, It's all in his timing and his way.....etc. but then she talked about the faith during the trial. And suddenly I got it.
Heath and I exercised our faith in Heavenly Father that we would get a job. But, we don't have a job and now we have to have faith DURING the trial. That is the trial...to have faith when you don't see the blessing in front of you. Just like it says, "Ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." No witness, that means you can not see the blessings until your faith has truly been tried. And during that trial, if you do exercise faith in the Lord, you allow Him to bless you with assistance, guidance, and peace.
I also realized I've been like Laman and Lemuel. I've been reading that part with the boys and I realized I was just like them. Going through the motions, doing what I was "suppossed" to do but complaining all the while. So, I vowed to be only positive this week and be happy and it worked.
After that night, I can tell you that i have no anger, frustration, confusion or bitterness toward the Lord. In fact, I feel at peace. It's the only way I can describe it. Heavenly Father has somehow removed this burden from my back and has replaced it with a knowledge that He knows who I am, what our family needs, and that it's in his hands.
The trial has not gone away and nothing has changed...except my perspective. I'm so grateful for this change of heart. It also came at the exact moment I needed it because the next day, Heath got another letter of regret for a job he wanted in Mesa. He was devastated and I was devastated for him. However, I was able to be strong and faithful and hopeful for the both of us.
I get it. I hope I don't forget it but I know I'll have to learn this over and over again. I know the right job is coming but not sure when and I do know for sure that the Lord is aware of us.